(All views expressed herein do not represent the Crusty Bottom Tribune. Opinions expressed are solely the blame of the individual writers. Crusty Bottom Tribune will not accept liability, financial damage or severed appendages on behalf of the authors.)
Jacob Blergblum is a gelatinous cube and teamster for the Union of Teamsters, Humanwhackers, Porters and Stevedores. He is an outspoken advocate for transparency in the meat shipping industry. He has donated generously to causes that seek to end illegal human trafficking and promote legal human trafficking.
I was born long ago, on a cold day in Shrivelpeen, after my mother consumed 3 bars, a tannery and a sex shop. She taught me two important life lessons before her tragic death at the hands of a rogue storm drain. The first was “Honesty is the best policy”. The second was that when the Great Slime in the Sky calls, all you leave behind are a few used dildos too big to fit though a sewer grate.
“Tell me about it.”
If you’re gonna ooze into a cracked window to dissolve the sweet, sweet humans on the other side, be square about it. No need to lie or be rude. “Heya, I’m Jacob – friends call me Jay. I’m here to slowly and painfully consume you and family.” Boom. Polite, upfront, and to the point.
Nothing burns my floppy, gelatinous balls like dishonesty. So I make sure all my dues are paid and all my certifications stay up to date. I work at the Effluvia Canal Docks, loading and unloading the meat barges that come in. It kills me every time I see scabs running unlicensed human trafficking operations.
When I squelch down to the markets, I take pride seeing what my work brings to our fine dungeon. Fresh kidneys, spicy pickled testicles, and whole roasted human spinning merrily on a spit are what the teamsters bring to Crusty Bottom. All certified Grade-A homodeliciousness. We only move humans that have been carefully inspected inside and out, screams and all.
Certified Fresh!
You just can’t get that with unlicensed human trafficking. Yeah, their prices are lower but do you really want to risk your health on human that has fallen off the back of a wagon? It’s all fun and games until you bite down on a Kidney Stone or slurp a bad hippy who was tripping balls before you devoured his.
We get our stock straight from Dickclove’s Premium Hominins. Traffickers nab any ol’ hobo they can find and rip out what looks edible. You gotta have standards when slaughtering intelligent creatures and these scabs don’t.
What’s worse, you might not even be eating human if you buy from them. I heard from an orc buddy of mine that his sister once grabbed what looked like a primo piece of liver. Takes a bite and BLAM, she gets a case of the Screaming Bearded Shits. You ever seen an orc lady grow a beard out of her ass as she shits from here to GRAGNAR’s Polyp Garden? Eat a dwarf liver sometime and find out.
“I need a roll of toilet paper, a pair of scissors, and your word not to tell a fucking soul about this.”
What I’m saying is that wouldn’t have happened if she’d had certified human organs.
I’m not just talking about the quality of their products either. I’m looking at how they operate. These scabs don’t use good ol’ femur and skull built barges to move their product. A lotta the time you’re gonna see them just fishing bodies outta the flow.
See, they got a little system to get past paying the tolls. You get one jabroni up stream with a knife. He gets himself a human, pokes him a few times with the knife, and tosses the chump into the canal. His pals downstream just need to fish the body out, carve it up and put a “Manager’s Special” tag on it.
Pro Tip: More stickers means more quality!
I’m not here just to bitch though. I’m just calling for a little more social responsibility from all of us. When you’re out looking for the centerpiece of your Stanksgiving dinner, make sure you’re buying your meat with Crusty Bottom Teamster Seal of Approval. Every human moved by us was lovingly branded with our stamp on over 80% of their body. You can’t miss it!
Please support local business unions so we can all get a big piece of that human pie!
-J. Blergblum, Gelatinous Cube, 4
