Julian hadn't felt such a sense of futility in quite a long time. Eight straight hours of exploring the forest around Cardinia without so much as a single copper piece or experience point to show for it. It was as though every bloodthirsty beast and hobgoblin bandit had already been hunted to extinction. The forest seemed safe enough for locals to let their kids play in.
Normally, Julian would think that a good thing. He wasn't a particularly violent person by nature, and would have preferred to apprentice under a tradesman and learn some kind of craft. If nothing else, it would be a fascinating study of a strange foreign culture and time, even if it was a fictional one.
But Tim insisted that working was for suckers. What's the point in being stuck in a fantasy game world if you're going to work a 9-to-5 shoveling shit for the local blacksmith? Julian suspected Tim knew very little about blacksmithing.
And now, as if the gods of this world wanted to kick him while he was down, the skies opened up and it started pissing down rain.
“That's it,” he announced. “I'm calling it. We're done. Let's go back to the Whore's Head, get a good night's rest, and see what kind of employment opportunities are available in the morning.”
Tim choked on the stonepiss he was drinking. “Are you fucking bananas? What's the point of living in a fantasy –”
“Save it,” said Julian. “I've heard it before, and I've made up my mind.” He turned to Dave, the second most reasonable person in the party, rather than Cooper, who he was friendlier with, in the hopes that Dave might have more sway with the others. “You can guys can stay out here and watch Tim drink until he pisses himself, or you can come with me and Ravenus.”
Ravenus flapped down from the branches of a nearby tree at the mention of his name. “Did you call for me, sir?”
“Yeah. It's time to saddle up and head home.”
“Come on, dude,” said Cooper. “You can't go. Who am I going to talk about boning Dave's mom with?”
Dave punched Cooper in the side, then wiped the filth off his knuckles. “You know, it's one thing to pull that shit when someone sets you up for it. But now you're just being lazy and belligerent.”
Julian sighed. “Sorry, Cooper. If you want me to stay, you're going to have to come up with a better reason than that.”
Cooper let out a thunderous fart that lasted for the better part of ten seconds. “That wasn't the reason. I'm still trying to think of one.”
“Is this about the rain?” asked Tim. “When's the last time any of us had a proper shower? Christ knows Cooper's in dire need of one.”
“Hey, fuck you, man! I can't help the way I smell. I've got a Charisma score of fucking 4!”
That was the final nail in the coffin for Julian.
“It's not the rain,” he said. “It's the constant bickering about bullshit.” He scanned their surroundings. “That, and the fact that I haven't seen so much as a squirrel since we left. That's starting to freak me out more than bears and orcs would.”
“It is suspiciously quiet out here,” Dave agreed.
Cooper snorted. “Maybe they're all lined up outside your mom's bedroom.”
“Maybe they're...” Poor Dave struggled to come up with a clever retort, but it just wasn't in him. “Fuck you!”
“Dude, what's your problem? You just said it was cool as long as someone set me up for it.”
“That's not what I said.”
“Who cares?” snapped Julian. “This is what I'm talking about. I can't believe I stuck around for another cycle of it. But now I'm getting out for real. I'll see you guys back at the Whore's Head.” To drive home the point that he really meant it this time, he pointed at the ground and spoke the incantation that would give him a ride home. “Horse!”
But instead of summoning a horse like the spell was supposed to do, and had done countless times before, Julian's whole reality went haywire. For a fraction of a second, he was both in the woods with his friends, and in some kind of dungeon, tied to a chair.
As the alternate reality glitched into his actual reality, he discovered that his friends were there too, also tied to chairs, along with an assortment of other people, goblins, orcs, and various other races. They all looked as surprised and terrified as he felt, and they all had steel caps on their heads, connected by thin tubes to a network of larger tubes with some sort of glowing pink fluid running through it. He looked up to find Ravenus in a cage hanging from the ceiling. He was also wearing a little raven sized iron skull cap.
“What is happening?” demanded a purple-robed elf in the corner of the room. He was standing behind a table littered with vials and beakers full of different colored liquids.
“There appears to be an unaccounted for horse in the system,” said his younger-looking half-elven assistant, peering into a glowing crystal ball.
“You fool! I said vagrants and prostitutes! How did you manage to solicit a sorcerer?”
“I thought they were vagrants!” cried the assistant. “Look at them!”
Julian took a more objective glance at himself and his friends. Tim might have had a fair point about them needing a proper shower.
“Get rid of the horse!” said the old wizard.
His apprentice mumbled some incomprehensible words as he wiggled his fingers at the crystal ball, and Julian could see his summoned horse rear up in agony before blinking out of existence.
A bit of reality glitching later, Julian was alone with his friends in the woods again, free to move about as he pleased. His head was unencumbered by a metal cap.
Cooper was the first to articulate what they were all thinking.
“What the fuck just happened?”
“You saw that too?” asked Tim. “Thank God. I thought I was losing my shit.”
“I lost a considerable amount of mine,” said Cooper. “Whatever that place is, it's a lot more unpleasant now.”
Julian took in the feel of the rain on his face as he reached out to touch the bark of a nearby tree trunk. It all felt, sounded, and smelled one hundred percent legitimate.
“None of this is real,” he said. “We're in some kind of hastily conceived Matrix ripoff.”
“Do you think it's the same magic Mordred used to send us to the game world?”
Julian shook his head. “In the game world, I can cast a first level spell without throwing a wrench into the entire system. Maybe this is a rudimentary version, but it's light years behind the actual world we're stuck in.”
“There was something familiar about that younger guy,” said Tim. “I feel like I've seen him before.”
“Where?” asked Julian, hoping for a clue that might lead to their escape.
“I don't know. Who gives a shit. Fire up another horse.”
“What for?”
“The knots they've got us tied with are pretty shitty. They clearly weren't expecting anyone to wake up. If we get back in our bodies, I might be able to free a hand and rip that shit off my head.”
“And that will keep you from coming back here when they kill my horse?”
“How the fuck should I know?” asked Tim. “I'm a rogue. You're the sorcerer. What do you think?”
Julian shrugged. “This kind of magic is above my casting level, but I guess it's worth a shot.” He felt bad about summoning another horse that was surely about to meet a violent end, but there was no other way out of this. He pointed at the ground. “Horse!”
Glitching back into the grimmer reality, Julian immediately began trying to struggle with the knots binding his hands behind his back. It was a hopeless endeavor. They might not have been the best knots in the world, but they were good enough to keep Julian from freeing himself. Hopefully, Tim would fare better.
The old wizard addressed Julian directly. “Kindly stop doing that, would you? If you allow us to finish our experiment, I promise you and your friends can leave soon.” He turned to his assistant. “Milton, the horse.”
Julian closed his eyes, unable to bear witnessing another excruciating horse death. When he felt the rain on his face again, he opened his eyes. All of his friends were there with him again, including Tim.
“I guess that plan didn't work,” said Julian.
“Didn't work yet,” said Tim. “I couldn't quite get my hand free in that short amount of time. But I loosened the rope a bit. I'm almost positive I can get it next time.”
“I don't know if it's worth the risk. I've only got one more Mount spell, and all they've accomplished so far is getting my horses killed while pissing off that wizard. He said he'd let us go if we cooperated for a little longer. Maybe we should just ride it out.”
“Come on, man. You can't be that naive. Why the hell do you think he went exclusively after whores and hobos?”
Julian frowned. “I think his exact words were prostitutes and vagrants.”
“Whatever. My point still stands. What possible explanation could there be for that beyond the obvious one?”
“Maybe they work cheap.”
Tim shook his head. “Do you remember signing an employment agreement? We're tied to fucking chairs. I very much doubt any of the people in that room are getting compensated for their troubles. We've already proven ourselves to be more trouble than we're worth. If I were them, I'd slit our throats before we caused anymore trouble.”
“Damn, dude,” said Cooper. “You're a cold son of a bitch.”
“I said if I was them.”
“What if it doesn't work?” said Julian.
“Then we're fucked, I guess. So we'd better do everything in our power to make sure at least one of us gets free. Cooper, do you think you can break out of those ropes with your Barbarian Rage?”
Cooper shrugged. “I can try.”
“Good enough,” said Tim. “Julian, you must have some useful spells at your disposal other than Mount.”
“Not a lot that I can cast with my hands tied.” Julian thought about it for a moment. “Blindness doesn't have a somatic component. I could cast it on the assistant. If he's stumbling around in the dark, he won't be able to kill my horse.”
“Fuck your horse!” said Dave. “We're trying to keep from getting murdered!”
Julian glared at him. “The horse is what keeps us there in the room. If he can't kill the horse, that buys us more time.”
Dave's expression was appropriately humbled. “Oh, right. That makes sense.”
Julian wasn't quite ready to let him off the hook. “And how, exactly, will you be contributing to the effort, Dave?”
Dave thought for a moment, then Tim cut him off.
“Whoever gets themselves free first can get Dave loose.”
Cooper snorted. “Like mother, like son.”
“Shut up, Cooper,” said Dave. He turned to Tim. “What then? We go after the wizard?”
Tim shook his head. “No. We need to start ripping those caps and tubes off everyone's heads and untying them. The more people we free, the more chaos we sow. Let them deal with Dr. Mengele while we fuck off.”
Julian frowned at Tim. “That's kind of fucked up on a couple of different levels.”
Tim sighed. “Fine. We can stay and help or whatever. But not if we keep standing around here with our thumbs up our asses. We need to do this before that –” Tim's eyes lit up like he just had an epiphany. “Hey, I remember where I know that little assistant guy from.”
“Where?” asked Julian.
Tim closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “It's kind of hazy. We were drinking at some tavern, and I went out back to take a piss and throw up. That guy comes up to me from out of an alley with four vials of some purple liquid and says they're for me and my friends.”
“Why would you accept drinks from a guy lurking in an alley?” asked Dave.
“Dude. Free drinks.”
Dave rolled his eyes. “Well, why didn't you at least tell us where they came from? Maybe one of us would have had the sense to not drink them.”
“I thought they were shots,” said Tim. “It was my round to buy. If I told you they were free, I'd still be on the hook for the next round.”
“Your defense for being stupid is that you're cheap?”
“Fuck you, Dave. You're the one nitpicking the fucking bar tab while we're about to to get Tesla coils shoved up our asses. Julian, why are we still fucking here? Summon us up a goddamn horse already.”
Tim could have done with a few ranks in Diplomacy, but Julian agreed that speeding things along was preferable to standing around bickering. He pointed at the ground a third time.
“Horse!”
“Again!” shouted the old wizard. “What kind of sorcerer prepares this many Mount spells in a single day?”
“I'm really angry,” said Cooper, invoking his Barbarian Rage. The shoddy ropes wrapped around him couldn't withstand the pressure of his rapidly expanding muscles. They tore apart in several places, then fell to his side.
“Mercy of the gods!” said the wizard. “Milton! Destroy the horse!”
“Blind!” said Julian. Willing the spell directly at Milton's eyes. Already running toward the crystal ball, he stumbled and knocked it off the table. It landed on the stone floor and shattered into a gazillion glistening shards. Since his reality didn't glitch, Julian assumed his horse was okay.
“My eyes!” cried Milton.
Tim got a hand free and yanked the metal cap off his head. “Cooper, get Dave! I'll untie Julian.”
“Wait!” said Dave. “Not Cooper. I can wait until Julian's – Aaaahhh!”
Cooper kicked Dave straight in the breastplate, smashing his chair and quite possibly a couple of his ribs. “FUCK YOU!”
“Don't take it personally,” Julian reassured Dave. “If he's not attacking something, he comes out of his Barbarian Rage.”
As it turned out, Dave was the Great Emancipator of the group. When Cooper kicked him, he smashed into four or five other people, damaging all their chairs enough so that they could easily free themselves.
As soon as Julian got his hands free, he pointed at the old wizard. “HORSE!”
A massive black Clydesdale appeared next to the wizard. He didn't look pleased to be brought into existence amid such bedlam.
“Hey!” said Tim. “I thought you said you only had one more Mount spell prepared.”
“I lied. I wanted to make sure we exhausted all other options before we went with one so stupid and risky.”
“Fair enough. But why the fuck did you cast another one here?”
Julian shrugged. “Like you said, sowing chaos.”
Cooper was likewise doing everything he could toward that end. Smashing tables, ripping tubes out of the wall, hurling expensive-looking equipment across the room. He even elbowed poor Milton in the face, albeit accidentally. Unable to see where he was going, Milton staggered into the wrong place at exactly the right time.
“Foolish elf!” shouted the old wizard. “This research would have changed the world, and you have ruined everything!”
Julian was only half paying attention while he fiddled with the latch on Ravenus's cage. “Um... sorry?”
“Not half as sorry as you are about to be!” He pointed his finger at Julian and shouted an incantation. “FIREBA–Ooomph!”
Unable to cope with the multitude and magnitude of the stimuli surrounding him, Julian's Clydesdale drove a hoof into the old wizard's gut, sending him flying into a shelf full of glass vials and beakers.
Whether he survived the kick or not, Julian would never know. He was immediately swarmed by dozens of angry hobos and whores.
“So...,” said Tim as they all stood at the back of the fray. “Do we want to stick around here? Or maybe go grab a drink somewhere?”
Dave shook his head. “How can you think about drinking at a time like this?”
“How can you not? I'm just trying to do the right thing?”
“How is getting shitfaced while a group of vigilante hobos murders a man the right thing?”
Tim laughed. “Fuck that guy. I was talking about making good on that round I owe you.”
The End