(All views expressed herein do not represent the Crusty Bottom Tribune. Opinions expressed are solely the blame of the individual writers. Crusty Bottom Tribune will not accept liability, financial damage or severed appendages on behalf of the authors.)

Herg Jerkin is the owner/operator of The Ticklish Titan Fine Goods Shoppe – Specialized Dungeon Attire for Minions and Peons and chairs the Crusty Bottom Chamber of Commerce, Torture and Commercial Torture.

Fellow denizens of Crusty Bottom, I write today to express my anger and concern regarding a news article published in this very newspaper yesterday, the 4th of Sackdrop. That morning, on level 3, at the corner of Grand Avenue and Pissbaby Circle, two corpse wagons collided after one of the drivers was knocked unconscious by a drunken Xvart.

Said Xvart had been bodily thrown by a pack of adventurers who had been ransacking Bert’s Five N’ Lyme Disease Emporium after he accidently stumbled upon their misdeeds. The crash flipped both wagons, returning the twenty-odd corpses to the street.

This backed up traffic to Overlord Way as crews worked to clean up the previous twenty corpses as well those of the rowdy hobos who started the mess. This brings me to my point. As a business owner in our fair dungeon, I am increasingly concerned by these vagrant adventurers intruding in our lives and disrupting our business.

Remember last week at the Shit Pits? A whole batch of Goblins had to be purged after a raging barbarian contaminated a birthing pool. And who can forget last year, when an entire pack of Worgs had to be euthanized after a shapeshifted bard seduced and impregnated three of them.

This. Has. To. Stop.

Far be it from me to request anything from GRAGNAR THE BLOODENER. Our Grand and Supreme Master, Whose Anger Can Extinguish the Sun. No, he/she/it is a pile of magically sentient organs that has more important matters to attend to. Those horrific screams of torment are not going to be wrung out of needy orphans by themselves.

Instead, I direct my concerns at Harvey Dribble. Alderbeast of Levels 3-5. Whose so called “Open Pit Policy” has enticed undesirables from across the surface to intrude upon us in the name of Dribble Down Economics.

Dribble claims that his advertising campaign will bring an influx of abducted children, detritus and gold to our fair dungeon. What he did not plan on was the never ending stream of gods damned adventurers parading about.

I can’t even take a peaceful piss into the prisoner pits without an arrow flying out at me. This is a public safety and sanitation nightmare! How long before every orc forgoes the pits to simply relieve himself on his neighbor? We’ve come a long way and do not want to revert to the dark days of a decade ago, urinating on non-prisoners like a savage.

Let us not forget that GRAGNAR prefers his/her/its meals tenderized by urine soaking. What will become of us if he/she/it decides to satiate their insatiable hunger for organs on our fellow Crusty Bottomers? Level 12 is a horrific entangled mass of pulsating flesh for a reason.

So, in closing and in the interest of public safety, we must cease this ridiculous Open Pit policy and return to what works: Good old fashioned abduction. At the worst, pesky adventurers can follow the screams and blood trails back to Crusty Bottom. At least it won’t be by following the trail of billboards and ridiculous wagon sticker slogans.