Some of us can’t wait to sit atop that shiny Dungeon Master throne and start weaving elaborate home brews for our tabletop groups. Others… might have just drawn the short straw because no one else in the party is willing to do it. If you fall into that second category, don’t sweat it, I’ve got some great tips that will ensure your fellow players never nominate you to be the Dungeon Master EVER again.

In case it wasn’t clear from the title of the article, this is some sarcastic advice that new DM’s should NOT follow if they want to be even remotely competent. I’ll repeat it one more time in case you missed it. DO NOT FOLLOW THIS ADVICE unless you want your players to hate you.

1. Never Meet Early

Session Zero is a waste of time for boring losers who need to get a life. Making developed characters and getting to know the other players is lame and pointless. Not to mention, it’s not like you or your players actually have a good time socializing with fellow nerds. My advice is to just jump right in with no foreplay, no lube and ride that campaign bareback until you make your players cry.

2. Strike First. Strike Hard. No MERCY!

Always remember it’s you Vs the players. These bitches aren’t your friends… they’re only here to kill all your beautiful creations, destroy your plans, and fuck up your world. It’s important to pull the rug out from under them and assert dominance from the beginning. If they think you’re here to show them a good time, the best way to set them straight is to kill someone off as soon as possible. That way, they know you’re serious.

3. Be Exclusive

Make sure all your players are old white grognards. You want your cast to look like Lord of the Rings not a bunch of stoner Sesame Street rejects. This isn’t a fucking game… you know what I mean.

4. Squid Pro Row

Reward players who bring snacks or drugs. In fact, you should severely punish anyone who doesn’t. This will set the expectation and afford you all kinds of fun perks in the future. You can thank me later.

5. Wing It

Don’t let your DM friends fool you. This shit is a lot easier than they let on, they just don’t want to miss out on the free snacks and weed aforementioned in tip number four. There’s no need to waste time developing a story or planning the session. All that does is spoil your players and they’re going to start expecting that same immersive experience every single time, and that shit gets exhausting. Instead, just brain storm while sitting on the toilet that morning and show up ready to have a great time. Stopping in the middle of the game to look shit up is the best way to give players time to socialize. It’s also the most fun you can have winning an argument.

6. Support Sexually Empowered Characters

To give the story depth, and keep things exciting, it’s important to fully endorse characters who try to seduce everyone… and each-other. Also, encourage them to give some under the table hand jobs to the guy who brought you pizza. It’s the real reason any of these people show up to these things anyway.

7. Lie

Always lie. About everything. Especially rolls. That’s why you have a screen. If they didn’t intend for you to lie, they wouldn’t make it so easy for you to get away with it. (Side Note: Your players are almost always telling lies. Don’t let those slippery sons of bitches fool you with those innocent derpy faces.)

8. Be Spontaneous

Always randomly change your scheduled sessions so that people have to prove they love your game. If you make it too easy for them, they get complacent and lose appreciation for all the hard work that goes into this shit. Predictable schedules only make the DM look like a pussy pushover bitch mouth. You need to give your players the chance to commit themselves to your every whim and darkest desire, regardless of their real lives or work schedules. (Side Note: Kick out anyone who won’t let you call them a bitch mouth.)

9. Use Performance Enhancers

Booze and drugs are the viagra of Dungeon Management. Use as many illegal substances as possible to keep things from getting stagnant. No one likes a boring GM with a pedantic coherent story. When you’re high as balls or trippin’, no one knows what to expect, even you! Your imagination will be your guide and lead the party on a magical journey filled with vivid imagery, exciting plot twists, and deep spiritual revelations.

10. Be Authentic

Last but not least, it’s important to be your authentic self. Your players should love and accept you for who you are at your worst. That means you should save things like hygiene and grooming for more important occasions like your hamster's birthday or your neighbor’s grandma’s fourth angelversary. Your players are probably not going to shower either, so it’s not a big deal. In fact, if you rudely show up all fresh as a daisy and they smell like sweaty corn-chips someone fished out from between the couch cushions, they might view that as a dick move to make them all feel inferior… even though they are. A healthy musk with a hint of cheese funk will set the mood and also assist in asserting dominance as mentioned in tip number one.

And that’s all she wrote, folks. Following these ten simple steps will ensure that your party doesn’t take advantage and force you to be the DM ever again. Special thanks to John Day, my Dungeon Master buddy who I hit up with all my stupid questions.