If you grow up in a house with a lot of siblings, you learn early on to never start something you can’t finish. But if you do… Protect your face and neck without covering your eyes, drive every punch with your elbow not your fist, and never underestimate the power of an enthusiastic nurple.

Things aren’t so simple in the mystical world of table-top RPGs. Seeing one of your party members getting shrunk, stuffed up another player’s butt, and then unshrunk might make for a fun story later, but it can really fuck up the flow of gameplay.

(That is why the DM is limited to one drink per hour, you guys…)

Technique is going to vary based on your character, the terrain, not to mention the enemies you face in each battle, but if you asked me how to die in a glorious flurry of blood and guts, I’d tell you to follow these simple steps.

Again, for those of you who have trouble reading the sarcasm in my tone… Only follow this combat advice if you want to die a catastrophic, agonizing, and humiliating death that will have your party mocking you for years.

1. Don’t Bother Writing Down Items that You Pick Up

It’s like the great Stephen King says… If it’s a good idea, you’ll remember it. Or something like that. I’m paraphrasing. Was it Stephen King who said that or Steven Hawking? Who cares, it’s good advice!

When you see these dorks scribbling stuff down in a notepad every single time they loot a body, we all know they’re not going to take the time to read through all that shit. Trust yourself to remember what’s important.

2. Keep Your Enemies Close, but Your Wizard Closer

Your wizard is like a fragile little quail egg and the party should cluster around them as close as possible. This will allow everyone to rub against each other for body heat and definitely won’t pose a problem when magic starts to fly.

This brings me to tip number three…

3. Always Cast Large AOE Spells in Enclosed Spaces. Bonus if it’s Near Your Companions.

Nothing creates a lifelong bond like setting off illegal fireworks inside your grandad’s woodshed on the fourth of July. That’s the level of excitement you can expect when casting spike growth, insect plague, or even just a good ol’ fashioned Fireball when you and your party are crammed together like the cast of the human centipede into a cozy cavern or tunnel. Your party will thank you for such a quick game, and you’ll be a legend right next to the immortal Lerooooooyyy Jenkins.

4. Flanking is for Bitches

There is more to tabletop combat than winning. Victory means nothing if you cannot wag your genitals in the faces of your enemies before pounding them to dust. In fact, any player worth their salt will tell you that it is better to be eaten alive than to enter the anus of history as the guy, gal, or person, who suckerpunches without honor.

5. Go Ahead and Use Ranged Attacks on Prone Enemies

Sometimes, it’s all about style. Sure you could stomp on an unconscious gobblin, but doesn’t it have more flair if you shoot a couple crossbow bolts into him at point blank range? This especially adds that element of suspense when the party is expecting you to do something that makes sense… like shooting an enemy that’s awake and actively trying to kill you.

6. No Need to Pay Attention to Attack Opportunities

Remember, these games are about brotherhood, getting out of the house, and drinking until everyone at the table is attractive enough to bone. If you’re constantly being a buzzkill and looking for attack opportunities, you’re probably going to miss that larping cosplayer’s nip-slip… and that will make him feel unappreciated. Let’s not be rude to our fellow players, kay?

7. Don’t Worry About Reading Spell Descriptions

Most of what you need to know about a spell is in the title. Just use your common sense and stop wasting precious energy on reading every detail about what the spell is capable of doing. It makes you look like a pretentious try-hard and nobody likes those guys.

8. Confidence is Everything

Don’t get me wrong… It’s great to have a badass character, but that won’t get nearly as far as overestimating your own greatness. This game is about magic. Anything is possible if you just believe in yourself. Not to mention, the other players and the DM will be so mesmerized by your big-dick energy that they’ll almost always go along with your BS for the sake of making the game more interesting. After all, we all want the same thing, right? It’s supposed to be a fantasy.

9. Your Expertise is Invaluable

I realize that normally no one likes a backseat driver, but this is an extenuating circumstance. When it’s someone else’s turn, it’s important that you speak up and give them as much advice as possible. They don’t care about learning through experience… They just want that sweet sweet loot and no one is more qualified to tell them how to get it than you.

10. Don’t Ask Questions

Whether you’re here to challenge yourself intellectually, creatively, or even just to make friends, it’s really important that you look like the coolest person at the table. If you ask questions, you’ll give away how stupid you are and then no one will like you. It’s better to stay quiet, watch how things play out and pretend like you know what you’re doing. Also, if you make a mistake, act like you did it on purpose, and laugh at the irony that they don’t get your charming sense of humor.

I get that combat is serious business, but it’s like the great Robert Jordan always said, “Death comes for us all.”

Wait– was it Robert Jordan or Robert Bevan?

It might have been Robert Bolt.

The point is… (Cue dramatic music for inspirational speech!) It’s more important to have a memorable death than a life without singed eyebrows, bad tattoos, and nightmarish STDs. So, dear friends… live free and die horribly.