The Insult Master: A Vicious Mockery Build for 5e
It is every Bard’s dream to kill an important enemy by insulting them. The thought of walking up to Strahd, calling him a simp, and the vampire lord dying on the spot from sheer embarrassment alone is so tempting to try. It is a shame then that the main spell to facilitate this fantasy: Vicious Mockery, is so underwhelming. 1d4 damage and disadvantage on the target’s next attack is okay when you are fighting 1-2 enemies at very low levels where they only make one attack per turn, but looses its luster extremely quickly. However, do not despair, as there are myriad other ways to still live out this fantasy, and even throw out a good number of Vicious Mockeries along the way. It’s definitely a weird build, but it works, and that’s my favorite kind of build!
Race: Variant Human
In order to pull off the combo I have in mind, we need two feats before we can take anything else. We’ll pick up the first of those two here. We like Variant Human over Custom Lineage just because I was the two +1’s rather than a +2.
Feat:
War Caster is a great feat for Bards in general, but I want to take advantage of a specific line of text that normally is looked over, that being the ability to cast a spell as an opportunity attack as long as that spell can only target one creature. The concentration protection will also be massively useful.
Background:
Normally I wouldn’t mention this, but talk with your DM about if they plan on having many different languages in their campaign and which ones to pick up if they do. Many of the spells we will be using are dependent on our target understanding our words.
Starting Stats:
8/14/15/8/12/16 (+1 Dex, +1 Cha from race)
Dump strength, 14 dexterity to fill out medium armor when we eventually get it, 15 constitution for concentration and HP, dump intelligence, 12 wisdom for saves, 16 Charisma as it’s our main stat.
Level 1-3: Bard (Lore)
Spells: (note that when I mention level, I am talking about character levels, not spell levels)
Level 1 selections: Vicious Mockery, Minor Illusion, Dissonant Whispers, Healing Word, Silvery Barbs, Hideous Laughter
Level 2 Selections: Thunderwave
Level 3 Selection: Shatter (replacing Thunderwave), Suggestion
Subclass:
Lore Bard gives us a bunch of goodies, from 3 extra skill proficiencies to extra magical secrets at level 6. Mostly what I’m interested in for this build is Cutting Words. It fits in perfectly with the flavor of our build, as it plus the spells I’ve selected will have us hurling insults at our enemies constantly.
Summary:
You’ll notice I have selected primarily spells that require talking in some form. This is very intentional, as they can all be reflavor end very easily to be you insulting your enemies as hard as possible. Vicious Mockery speaks for itself, insult someone so hard they give up and walk away with Dissonant Whispers, tell your ally to grow a pair with Healing Word, distract your enemy with a stinging remark with Silvery Barbs, literally insult your enemy so bad that they explode with Thunderwave and Shatter. The possibilities are endless with reflavoring, and your session prep for this character will be writing as many sick burns as you can. However, I’m not just satisfied with reflavoring spells to be more like Vicious Mockery. I want to actually cast the spell and it be useful for our character and party. Next level is how we accomplish this.
Level 4-5: Bard 5
Spells:
Level 4 selection: Enlarge/Reduce
Level 5 selection: Fear
Enlarge/Reduce is a great utility spell. Door barring your way? Shrink it to half its size and watch it fall off the hinges! It also literally fulfills that feeling you get when you’re being yelled at so badly that you wish you could just shrink into the ground. Fear is a premier control spell, and can be flavored as you insulting a group so sinisterly that they turn tail and run on the spot.
Feat:
Summary:
Ok, I know what you’re already thinking. Why the heck are we picking up Polearm Master when we aren’t even proficient in martial weapons? Well, the secret is that I don’t ever intend to attack with this weapon. All I care about is the ability to make an opportunity attack when an opponent walks within our attack range. We will hold a glaive or halberd so we have a 10ft reach and can proc this more often. Thanks to us taking War Caster, we can replace this opportunity attack with a spell like Vicious Mockery, allowing us to debilitate enemies with our reaction. We could even cast Dissonant Whispers to force a creature to immediately use the rest of its movement to flee, preventing their attack entirely! Between this strategy and Cutting Words, we should be doing something to debuff our enemies every single turn with our reaction, and we’ve got so many opportunities to creatively insult and demean our opponents that they will be left a sad puddle of tears on the ground.
Level 6: Bard 5, Warlock 1 (Hexblade)
Warlock spells:
Cantrips: Prestidigitation, Mage Hand
Spells: Armor of Agathys, Shield
Summary:
We take this Hexblade level mostly to bolster our defenses. We get medium armor and shield proficiency, boosting our AC to 19, and with Shield we can get that to 23 when necessary. Agathys also boosts our survivability and is a great pre-cast if we can see combat is going to happen sometime soon. It’s especially good because we actually function as a midline caster, wanting an enemy to approach us each turn but not wishing to be swarmed. In turns where we are swarmed and need a defense against every enemy attack, Shield is our best option and can be reflavored to just be like Cutting Words if we want. The cantrip selections are just good utility options. Yes, we can hold our halberd and a shield at the same time, we just can’t make attacks with the halberd.
Level 6-9: Bard 8, Warlock 1
Spells:
6th level spell selection: Aid
7th level spell selection: Hypnotic Pattern
8th level spell selection: Polymorph (replacing Shatter), Dimension Door
Ability Score Improvement:
+2 Charisma (18)
Summary:
We pick up a ton of powerhouse spells in these levels. Aid is a great upcast and stacks with Agathys to make us and our team super bulky, Hypnotic Pattern is a great control spell when our targets are immune to fear, Fireball lets us literally spit fire, Fly opens up a ton of exploration options, Polymorph is the best 4th level spell, and Dimension Door is both an emergency escape button and an exploration tool. How you flavor them to be insults is up to you, and I admit that not all of them are easily done, but it should be a fun challenge. We bump our Charisma here because so much of our build targets saving throws so making our DC higher is very important.
Level 9-20: Bard 19, Warlock 1
The base concept of the build is finalized at this point, and continuing on we will continue to pick great spells that fit with our theme. At our next ability score improvement we will get our Charisma to 20, and further feat selections are very customizable. If you’d like some ideas for standout spells to grab, here are a few of my favorites.
Find Greater Steed (Magical Secrets)
Wish (Magical Secrets)
Imagine if you will, being approached by a Pit Fiend. It’s about to make its 5 deadly attacks against you, when you suddenly let out an insult so stinging that it decides it likes you and turns traitor on its allies. With our feat selections and Dominate Monster, that is a real thing that can happen. This and many other silly roleplay opportunities become possible with this build, if you’ve got the creativity and improv skills to pilot it. Even if all else fails, you can always fall back on the old classic, Vicious Mockery, and maybe, just maybe, insult Vecna to death.
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