Magnificent Mansion: Not-Quite-Real Estate
Spell Level: 7
School: Conjuration
Casting Time: 1 minute
Range: 300 feet
Duration: 24 hours
Components: V, S, M (A miniature portal carved from ivory, a small piece of polished marble, and a tiny silver spoon, each item worth at least 5 gp)
You conjure an extradimensional dwelling in range that lasts for the duration. You choose where its one entrance is located. The entrance shimmers faintly and is 5 feet wide and 10 feet tall. You and any creature you designate when you cast the spell can enter the extradimensional dwelling as long as the portal remains open. You can open or close the portal if you are within 30 feet of it. While closed, the portal is invisible.
Beyond the portal is a magnificent foyer with numerous chambers beyond. The atmosphere is clean, fresh, and warm.
You can create any floor plan you like, but the space can’t exceed 50 cubes, each cube being 10 feet on each side. The place is furnished and decorated as you choose. It contains sufficient food to serve a nine-‐‑course banquet for up to 100 people. A staff of 100 near-transparent servants attends all who enter. You decide the visual appearance of these servants and their attire. They are completely obedient to your orders. Each servant can perform any task a normal human servant could perform, but they can’t attack or take any action that would directly harm another creature. Thus the servants can fetch things, clean, mend, fold clothes, light fires, serve food, pour wine, and so on. The servants can go anywhere in the mansion but can’t leave it. Furnishings and other objects created by this spell dissipate into smoke if removed from the mansion. When the spell ends, any creatures inside the extradimensional space are expelled into the open spaces nearest to the entrance.
Review by Samuel West, Twitter: @CrierKobold
Every party needs a place to relax, take a bubble bath, and get a pedicure. A typical lavish estate costs you thousands of gold pieces, requires you to pay your servants, and has to stay in a fixed location. There has to be a better way!
To you, dear reader, looking for a mobile spa, an at will AirBnB if you will, you can cast Magnificent Mansion. This is the spell to rest in STYLE. It absolutely is overkill; no party NEEDS Magnificent Mansion, but what party wouldn’t WANT Magnificent Mansion? You go from long resting in a barricaded room full of the mutilated bodies of the bugbears you just slaughtered while somebody nervously keeps watch to sticking an invisible door in a closet and lounging around a lavish estate built to cater to your every whim with the finest luxury concievable. You have literally one hundred servants at your disposal that do exactly as you ask; have a masseuse for everybody, some waiters for each course of the NINE course banquet large enough to feed a small town for a month, some house musicians for live music in any genre you please, and so much more.
Adventurer’s work hard. Imagine getting shot, stabbed, burned, consumed by acidic jelo, killed, revived, killed again, revived again, and transformed into a turtle. All of that can be a part of your average adventuring day. You and your friends deserve the finest relaxation available. You get to construct the perfect getaway every time. Make a tea house one day, full indoor spa with hot tub the next. Heck, why not both at once? You’ve got the space, after all. Construct a bowling alley, a personal tavern, a giant fluffy pink cave full of endless cotton candy; get wacky with it.
Again, I don’t think you or anyone really NEEDS Magnificent Mansion. It has the problems a lot of extra-dimensional hideaways have where you probably are setting yourself up to get ambushed the moment you come out of it if you’re in a dangerous location. The invisible portal mitigates the danger a tiny bit, but competent foes will detect the portal and prepare for you all to come out guns blazing. Tiny Hut functionally gives you a long rest space at less than half the level, serving functionally the same practical effect. If you get to choose between long resting in the liches dungeon in a tiny, cold, dark sphere of mud or an exact replica of the Pizza Planet arcade from Toy Story, when would you ever pick the mud sphere?
Is this worth a 7th level spell slot? Nope, not even a little bit! Will I take it on every single character I ever make that can learn it? Absolutely I will. And you should too.
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