Boy, this sure is a collection of abilities that are just fine. No more, no less. I get that the concept here is to be Sherlock-like, deducing clues and solving mysteries, but the actual abilities don’t really serve to fulfill that fantasy.

I’m gonna say it. This is the worst subclass in 5e. If ever there was a subclass that best represented the Gravity Falls “wow, this is worthless” meme, this would be it. You get one feature. Just one. The help action as a bonus action. That’s it, that’s the whole subclass.

The Phantom sticks out from the crowd of Rogue subclasses by being an archetype whose later features are much better than their early ones. At level 3, it will frequently feel like your entire subclass is an extra skill proficiency and 4d6 total extra damage spread throughout the day.

Often seen as the quintessential Rogue subclass, the Thief… doesn’t earn that title in the slightest. Yeah these features are severely lacking across the board with the exception of our capstone, but you should never pick a subclass for its capstone unless you are starting at very high levels.

The sheer quantity and quality of stuff this subclass gets is unparalleled among all the Bards, so it should be no surprise that this is my pick for the strongest of the subclasses and the one I would pick if you forced me to play a Bard in my next campaign.

Perhaps the simplest Bard subclasses in terms ease of understanding (and word count), but simultaneously perhaps one of the most difficult to optimize, the Valor Bard is surprisingly difficult for a new player to get good mileage out of.

Do you want to be the bardiest Bard that ever did Bard? If so, the College of Eloquence might be for you. All of these features either bolster existing Bard features (primarily Bardic Inspiration), improve Charisma skill checks, or empower our spellcasting.

The Lore Bard might be one of the most strangely named subclasses in 5e. I’m really not sure what trash talk and self buffing has to do with lore. The extra proficiencies kinda support this theme, but anyone who’s read this subclass will tell you that the big draw is extra magical secrets.

The biggest problem is the fact that we don’t get to choose what effect on the table of tales that we get to use. Some players (myself included) love this sense of randomness, but you cannot argue that unpredictability is suboptimal. Still, there’s a really cool character to be built here, so let’s see what feats can help us get there.

My pick for the worst Bard subclass, the Swords Bard specializes in weapon combat… sorta. You see, simply giving proficiency in medium armor and scimitars, a fighting style, and a couple of bad Battlemaster maneuvers does not a weapon user make.

This is another subclass that leans super heavily into roleplay, interaction, and exploration, meaning its usefulness is quite campaign dependent. There are a number of features that will be great for us no matter our setting, but this subclass thrives in environments where it can flaunt its stuff. This makes it great for a world exploring campaign where you visit a new town every few sessions, much less good for a dungeon crawl.

Whispers Bards specialize in deception, infiltration, and above all else, not playing by the rules. We really only get one combat feature, Psychic Blades, which is alright for giving us a decent attack option when we need it.

True taunt abilities are almost unheard of in 5e, with the only other one that is repeatable and accessible early enough being the Guardian Armorer. Unlike that Artificer subclass, this only affects our first hit of the turn, but it does have the added effect of halving the damage our enemy deals if they do hit someone other than us.

With such a huge range of options that only grows as we level, each Totem Barbarian has the potential to look vastly different than any other. The only problem is that these options are not balanced against each other in the slightest.

Orcish Fury entered the game as a boon to specifically that character archetype, already narrow, and while I don’t love sticking half-orcs in the “you’re going to rage and hit things” camp 99% of the time, the feat does provide a compelling reason to be a half-orc in ways I hope the designers run with in the future. 

If you just want to play a pretty box-standard Barbarian that hits hard and doesn’t go down easily, this is a great choice. This also means that feat selection is really simple for us.

This subclass leaves my optimization trained brain confused. The highest damage option it provides for us is the claws, which I’ll explain later, the bite is only useful in niche circumstances, and the tail is a mediocre defensive option that uses up our reaction, something I’d much rather use on an opportunity attack provided by Polearm Master.

It’s a real shame that the very first subclass in the PHB is such a new player trap. Frenzy allowing a bonus action attack on every turn we rage sounds so cool, and in a vacuum it almost lives up to that. The problem is twofold: we gain a level of exhaustion when we frenzy, and Polearm Master exists.

The path of Wild Magic is one that I love flavor-wise, but falls a bit short in mechanical power. The main problem is the lack of scaling on everything in the wild magic table, meaning the damage dealing effects quickly loose their luster once we get past mid-levels.

Following the standard optimization process for Barbarian feats doesn’t even work for us, as our spike armor bonus action attack competes with Polearm Master and makes taking that feat feel worse. However…